I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
