Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
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