im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
