Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
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