Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
