had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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