after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
