So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
splinters make it hard to masturbate
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
