i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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