Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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