one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
