I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My cat gives me a boner
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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