my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
