I just cut my nipple shaving
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
