sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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