he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
