the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
