It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
