i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
