hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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