her vagine was all disorganized.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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