there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
