I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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