i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
