i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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