You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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