Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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