I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
