It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
