The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
They have beer where we have blood.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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