the condom got lost in my hair
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
