I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
