You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
