Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
