The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
