I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
