I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
