I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
