with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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