There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
