My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
