No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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