Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm always down for nudity.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
