Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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