nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
