In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
