is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
