In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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