My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
