just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
