So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
