go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
